Today's profile - Menu special, unwanted advice

Today’s ramblings...

It’s QUIET, not quite.  I think you should quité your attempt at writing a legible profile.  Maybe express yourself in imagery, draw pretty and expressive pictures to get your point across?  I don’t know, just trying to be helpful is all.  That’s me, Miss Helpful ;)  Bottom line, you’re not quite getting it so best you just be quiet.

Just seeing what’s out there?  Don’t worry, Diane will tell you and she’s only been here 4 days!  You know what’s out there Mr. Imlooking4mysolemeat, lazy people that won’t put forth the simple effort of spell check.  Christ, computers come with that nifty little tool and those little red lines under the words your typing are fucking telling you something!  Don’t ignore your trusty computer sir, it’s a wonderful tool and it’s trying to help you not appear to be a complete moron.

People who have LONG LISTS of criteria of what they ‘WANT’ but WANT TO GIVE never seems to make that list.  Want to know why you’re single?  No?  Meh, I’m gonna tell ya anyway because what I WANT right now is to tell you why.  lol  You’re single because you choose to be.  That’s it.  It’s not the other persons fault, it’s not that women are too picky or that all men are assholes.  IT’S YOUR FAULT.  Oooh, hurts don’t it.  Took me awhile to accept that little bit of concentrated truth too, I know.  Yeah I include myself in the above theory, nobodys safe.

I get accused of being angry and bitter and I’m neither of those, well within reason lol.  Condescending maybe ;).  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I know better and that I am better than you.  Contrary to that, I have the same insecurities and fears most have, I just don’t bullshit myself in believing otherwise and I make a conscious effort every day to improve myself.  None of this “take me as I am” crap.  Nobody’s perfect but everyone should strive for perfection.  It shows you still care!  Any less and your a lazy ass couch potato that has given up making an effort and wants to be served a screw and a bj on a silver platter.  You want to find your soul mate?  Then show you actually possess a soul.  You want your heart to soar, unlock the cage door.  Unfortunately, I cannot do these things for you.  Well, I can but I’m not going to do that anymore.  Why you ask?  Because all the dudes I have done that with in the past are happily married now with the woman they met right after me (all but one, unless you got married in the last 4 years, Mr. S.O).  Now that’s a kick in my ass ain’t it.  I hold no ill will, everyone deserves to be happy. I just don’t want to be the director anymore.  I want to be the leading lady and I don't care if that's too much to ask (This is not entirely true. I do care but it just feels good saying I don't :P).
 
Chat?  ewww, Does anyone say that to another in real life?  “Hey, wanna chat?” ewww.  That has creepy yuck written all over it.

If you consider yourself unique, most likely you’re a sheep.  Hey!  That kind of rhymes.

Putting “Must not do drugs” as one of your must haves and then telling me in an email that you’ll make an exception for me is extreme douchebaggery, yeah, it means you’re a douche.

Speaking of pot, yes I said it, pot pot pot, how about marijuana?  Ganga, splif, joint, reefer.  I’m hoping your getting the direction this is going but I won’t hold my breath, I enjoy breathing.  420 friendly although once a clever little saying, and I commend the person who whipped it up at the time, now just seems chicken shit and when I see it written by my fellow mj smoking peeps, the ganga gods that be actually kick a puppy.  Yes!  It’s true!  Hundreds of puppies are suffering from internal bleeding and brain swelling because of YOU!  FOR SHAME my breathren, use the force for good not sheepdom and put forth the effort and creativity that the magic pipe so abundantly provides and come up with your own clever saying, or else just call it what it is.  If you lack that clever gene, being a pot head you must have a stoner friend somewhere that can give you a little guidance.  We are a helpful and generous people.

Be honest or at least learn to bullshit better!  Pretending to be something you're not just prolongs the inevitable.  When that inevitable comes which is usually after I’ve spent the night... I will most likely get kinda pissed.

Do chase!  Yeah, it works!  Although maybe I’m just not chase worthy?  NAWWWW It’s not me, it’s you.

I used to have a blog on Vox but they shut down and all my mindless yammering got buried in the great WWW graveyard never to yammer again.  Not that I updated it regularly which is one of the primary rules of keeping a blog.  Well, that’s what the self proclaimed blogging professionals list as the most important rule of a successful blog.  Who cares, this paragraph sucks donkey nuts and I have no idea wtf I'm talking about, NEXT!!!!!

I kind of wish POF had a more blogging approach to the dating/relationship online search.  Tell us about that date you went on last night.  Kind of like a POF/FACEBOOK thing.  Sure, that makes it kind of easy for the people with not so good intentions to mess with you, but that’s what privacy settings are for.  For example.. take the POF UI (User interface :P)  into consideration.  It’s fairly basic, the colours are simple, light blues, shades of grey.  Straight forward, like Facebook.  The only thing missing is that there aren't more pages and a more personalized blog type look.  I’d think it would be cool if I could read ‘his’ past profile write ups.  What if he doesn’t write all dat gud?  Insert media, photo’s, the youtube video of the music he's currently listening to.  I could flip through this online collage of what's currently going on with him/her, maybe read how he drank too much on New Years and crashed on his buddies couch only to wake up with gum in his hair and a makeover from his buddies creative children.  Real life stuff!  Not this mundane “What I’m looking for” crap.  If I see one more guy write, “I’m not into the bar scene” I think I’ll pop a vein, or cry uncontrollably while rocking back and forth in the far corner of my room.  I say, ENOUGH WITH THE BENDING OVER!  Tell me your pissed today but I can see that you weren’t yesterday so I know your a balanced guy because nobody is ON and blissful ALL THE TIME.  Of course if every post to your awesome singles blog is negative.. well, then you got issues and umm.. yeah.  Good luck with that.  Hey, I’ll forward my therapists info, because THAT’s what people should do.  Helping hand, common decency and overall respect right?  I’m idealistic you say?  I’d rather be in my dream world than in your real one.  I’d even bet, you’d rather be in mine too.  It is a pretty fucking cool place, really.  Going bald?  Getting a little larger in the hips?  Hairs now growing in places that once never did?  All okay in my world because we all know and are aware that this stuff exists and it’s expected because.....

that’s life.

The key here is to deal with it.  Strange concept huh, but stick with me here for a sec because my insane ramblings might be onto something, or not :P.  For instance, going bald.  Yep it happens but what you do about it makes the world of difference.  If you deny it and sport that magical comb over that ‘like totally fools me and all’, then you’re not in my world.  Shave your freaken head and own that shit because it’s sexy as hell. Match it with a goatee and instant bad ass sexy.  Larger in the hips?  Work out, plain and simple but don’t expect to have the hips of an 18 year old unless you’re a decked out tranny because it’s just not going to happen.  Only showing photos of your face is lame and he’s going to see your hips sooner or later anyway.  I’d rather he not meet up with me at all then get pissed from misrepresentation and sneak out during a bathroom break leaving me there sitting on my fat ass wallowing in Jalapeño Poppers and an over priced double shot Rye & Ginger.  The hair growing out your ears.. well duh, that’s an easy one and if I need to walk you through the proper use of tweezers, do all of us the favor and just kill yourself.

Sorry, INTERMISSION now.  I need to have a really good laugh at that last comment.  It just makes my stomach all giddy and excited knowing the amount of flack I’m going to get from that one.

Queue the dancing hot dogs and milkshakes  la la la

Okay, I’m back.  Fresh cup of tea in hand and possessing the passion and motivation of a 20 year old knowing that one day he’s going to get discovered and be the next Kurt Cobain.  Yeah, you’re right, I am terribly idealistic.  Sigh, but hey, I’d like to think that’s part of my charm.  Fucking clueless and thinking my wisdom surpasses all.  A major superiority complex cancelled out by an equal amount of self worth issues.  Wonderful combination don’t you think?

Go big or go home, isn’t that the saying?  If I’m going to sound full of shit, might as well do it in a big way.  Presentation and style, shazzam.

Okay, now for all the OMG’ers. I really really don’t condone or suggest killing yourself as being an option and I think it’s a really really stupid thing to do.  It’s called sarcasm, mmmk.  If you’re offended, well then ummmm go kill yourself?  HAHAHAHAHA, I nearly peed my pants....... again!  In all seriousness, (btw don’t get used to me using disclaimers because it rarely happens.  I’m just in a generous mood today) Killing yourself is bad and umm stupid and umm when ya get that nasty urge to jump or tie the noose or whatever your flavour, immediately run to your medicine cabinet (or someone else's if need be) and take a couple of pills, anything that’s name ends in the letters ‘PAM’.  That should steer you in the right direction but in the off chance it doesn’t quite cut it, repeatedly whacking yourself in the head with a large heavy skillet should do the trick.  Divert the pain and distract.  It's quite difficult to wallow when you're wishing your head would just STOP POUNDING.  Things are relative and most stuff can be fixed with a mild perspectomy.  In the end, GET OVER YOURSELF.  Nobody is exempt from tragedy.  Thinking you're so special and don't deserve to suffer at some point in your life is weak.  Shit happens.

I know, I know, I'm gonna change lives here with this abundance of wisdom.  No need to thank me, really.  Just knowing that you've plucked that ear hair is payment enough.