Shitty Pickles

Alright, it’s 4:38 am and I’m a cranky ass beeyatch that is sweaty and achy from this nagging little virus and as a result REM is nowhere in my immediate future so I figured I’d embrace this time to pick a new bone. It’s been awhile huh? Yeah well I told you I suck at keeping a consistent blog! Whatev’s, lets get past this uncomfortable finger pointing because I got some new stuff for ya! I received an email yesterday evening containing the correspondence between my BFF and an online dating prospect and just felt this overwhelming need to share. I’m not sure whether she will mind or not but hey, she knows the drill. So if you’re pissed my trusty twisted polish firecracker of a friend, it fucking serves you right! It’s like handing a homeless person a Costco sized bottle of Aqua Velva and assuming he will use it to combat his obscene BO issues.

I realize I haven’t included the prior emails that led up to this titillating email from Mr. Tardster extraordinaire so you’re just gonna have to take my word for it that his response is a prime example of some dude lacking to give another human being ‘the benefit of the doubt’ and it’s obvious to me that his long list of accolades and super mega ego does not allow him the ability to sense light and flirty sarcasm. From the obvious snarling tone of his email, it’s clear he made a choice which was to interpret her words as arrogant and high maintenance. Is it really so naive to expect one to interpret online dialogue in a positive light? Or is it that I am just that incredibly naive, giving him way too much credit and that this is merely just an insecure cowardly man that resorts to word raping others for one measly fucking notch on the power struggle bed post? This reminds me of a word that I created a long time ago and I think can be applied here. (S.O your investment won’t be accredited, sorry ;)
Mr. T, you sir are in dire need of a thorough perspectomy!

Perspectomy
per·spect·o·my - (pr-spkt-m, l-)
n. pl. per·spect·o·mies
Surgical incision into the frontal lobe of the brain to sever one or more nerve tracts, a technique formerly used to treat certain mental disorders and favorably altering, adjusting ones point of view or outlook. A complex and labour intensive remodelling of ones perspective.

Hmm, reading his email again I feel confident that no prior dialogue is really needed but if the BFF acts on my humble early morning request, I will post the whole disastrous script asap. So without further ado, Mr. T the magnificent!

MR.T - I don't want to rush and judge you... That's not fair. You could be the best catch and you are just fed up with the dating world. Maybe you just didn't articulate what you are really about.

ESMERELDA BELLE - Well GAAAAAWWWLIE! Thank ya kind sir for all da help in artamaticulatin what eyez is allz aboot! Aww shucks Mr. T, I shure do apreshiate you not a’rushin to judge me or anyfin. Feelz gud you are given me the gud ole callege try.

MR.T - But if you are serious. Hahahahahahahaha Then that's funny.. You want a guy that's good looking, stylish and successful and you want him to Woo you. Hahahahahhahaha These guys don't wooo chicks. They go after the $$$$ and women come to them. And if you are so fine of a female and so desirable then men should be already doing this for you.. I know lot's of guys like this and they only do things for their woman after the woman has proven her worth.

ESMERELDA BELLE - You shure is a happy guy Mr. T with all that ha ha'ing n stuff. I'm so glad I gotz positive vibes that yer so kindly ashoot'in ma way. You iz really wize too and I promise that the wizdom yer wurds carry won ever be in vane, kross ma hart n hope 2 die. I s'pose Iz haf to git me one of dem apreashiation certifikets dat showz how much Im worth. Y'all no were I can git me one?

MR.T - So which one is it... Do you live in la la land and are looking for a guy to tell you a fable or are you a down to earth woman that's ready to meet someone special.
T

Insert big sigh... right... fucking... here.
LA LA LAND huh?
Your idea of reality seems really depressing Mr. T. No wonder you're so offensively passive aggressive and tearing a second asshole into some random chick on the internet. You're such a huge fucking grumpy pants from the Straub's that was so violently rammed up your ass, you'll never escape the scent of shitty pickles.

On the BFF's and my behalf, please accept our humble and sincere apologies and know that although poorly shown in the BFF's prior correspondence, we assure you that we are kind and generous humanitarians and are quite embarrassed to have offended someone battling such a debilitating handicap.
Also, judging by your cryptic ‘T’, I assume your given name is one that is incredibly unique to you and only you and that you wish to remain anonymous. However, I’ve compiled a few names that I came up with because I just love these quirky little puzzles and couldn’t resist deciphering your clever and oh so challenging code. Maybe you’re one of them cutting edge peeps and instead of using the name on your birth certificate, you use an adjective, noun or verb! A’int I fucking brilliant! I’m already well on my way to cracking your clever little code! WOOT ME!

(This ESMERELDA BELLE PWT character is really adorable don’t you think?)
So, ummm, I hope ya done mine, I wuz kinda cureous wat the 'T' stood fer so I came up wit a coupel. Writ me back on which one it iz will ya? Thanks! Yer a champ!

Turdbucket, Transparent, Twatt, Turd Burgler, Tit, Taco Paco, Testiclees, Teenytesties, Testiculanus, Testicularly Challenged, Teletubby, Turdmeister, Thizznfizz, Tuckenfit, TouretteTodd, TechnoTyler, TepidTampon, TeabagLess, TittyFuckLess

Or maybe I’m way off base and it’s just…

Tony - (Trans-Am, Mullet and Mamma’s number on speed dial although totally unnecessary since he only need venture up the stairs)

This should be a lesson to you Mr.T, however I highly doubt that was the result. See, there I go with the glass is half full scenario again! Ain't I just a ray of fucking sunshine!
So remember this Mr. Twatster, never, ever end a text raping that’s so incredibly open to individual interpretation, especially when it's one as epic fail as yours. That will most likely lead to creative assumptions that shift the scale to the others favour.