I’ve just spent better part of the evening and most of the early morning perusing YouTube.com for stand up comedy stuff because I was and still am in desperate need of a good laugh. First it was Lewis Black then Russell Peters and then Comics Without Borders on Showtime. Some funny stuff, some meh not so much. Unfortunately most of it was sub par and although I lol’d a couple times, none of my laughter was stomach ache funny. I laughed more when I jumped into my car at 11pm to pick up a pack of smokes and I witnessed my older sisters friend on her short walk home after an eventful evening of heavy bong smokeage and drinky poos.
The pretty sun dress wearing, blond Pebbles hairdo sporting cougar was so severely trashed that the curb became a hazardous obstacle instead of the safety road border it usually provides. But I saw right through that mean sour glare she shot me and knew it was a brave face and that this woman who currently graced my driveway chose to battle her journey home, alone. Woman to woman, we said so much yet not a single word was uttered. I was truly humbled, I never really noticed her value until that very moment. As I drove by this strong and independent woman my humility took hold and I felt compelled to lower my head in silent appreciation of this ‘special, special’ gal. Warm, dry and safely tucked within the comfort of my car, my heart soared from an abundance of admiration. Suddenly I remembered Mrs. Andersons escape artist psycho Jack Russel that lived 2 houses down but I refrained from sharing that info with her as I'm sure it would have only offended her by suggesting she couldn't handle herself. And as I gazed into my rear view mirror and saw her drunken silhouette stumbling playfully with good ole Rusty Anderson, an almost inaudible whisper escaped my lips. "Go forth and conquer fellow Cougar. Make us all proud."
Okay, so back to the comedians. I realized a couple things in regards to comedians and what separates the fucking hilarious from the "Yeah I guess he is okay but he’s no fucking Carlin", not that that would ever happen pssssh. They got to be able to make fun of anyone and not feel that they need to justify it. No one is untouchable and a comedian should never 'half ass' anything. They need to own it 100%. If at any time the comedian feels they won’t be able to carry whatever comes out of their mouth, they’re most likely finished. I think they have to be ready for the consequences whatever they may be. After whatever they just said sinks into the crowd, they have to stand solid no matter what the outcome otherwise they’ll end up like Andrew Dice Clay balling his eyes out on national television and begging the world for forgiveness. (I looked for this video and can't seem to find it. Did this really happen or is it just my imagination? I could swear I remember ADC being interviewed and apologizing for his behaviour while crying but there are no clips of this.) Listen to me all high and mighty know it all, when in reality I don’t have a goddamn clue. Fuck it, it’s my blog so I can be the expert here if I want, you go be the expert on your own blog. This is my twisted reality, so get your own. I was going to use the “That said,” transitional expression here but I remembered I despise that phrase.
My god, it’s almost 4:30am and I’m not even tired! Fuck me sideways! What the hell is the matter with me? Suddenly I feel the need to slap myself. Hey have you ever literally slapped yourself or has always been strictly
What I know for sure?
- That I watch the food network because most television pisses me off so I mute it and only occasionally look up to watch the pictures flashing by. I find that for the most part I can’t tell the difference between the actual show and it’s commercials. I feel if I’m going to be bullshitted, I prefer it be upfront and consistent instead of being force fed a false sense of truth while it slowly grinds at my soul in a clueless and naive manner.
- That the Food Channel makes me extremely hungry and as a result, I constantly crave Truffles which is quite odd since I’ve never eaten one let alone support the plural version of them. Regardless I don’t have a fucking clue what they taste like and could very likely be disappointed when the day comes that I actually do. I guess I will need to sit in my puddle of Truffle ignorance for the rest of my days and just avoid that potential let down.
- That the extent that I relate to Frodo Baggins, especially in the last of the three movies is extremely mentally unhealthy.
Frodo: “There are some things we just don’t get past. How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep… that have taken hold. It's been four years to the day since Weathertop, Sam. It's never really healed."
I truly believe in my heart that the above scene of Frodo explaining his healing process or lack thereof was in fact directed to me personally and was some cosmic, magical message. How’s that for arrogance. If there was a LOTR church and religion I would frequent mass on a weekly if not daily basis. My faith would be unwavering and I’d preach the good word of Tolkien like a Jehovah Witness with a severe case of OCD.
- That I’m not marriage material let alone relationship material. Apparently I need to love myself if I am to be genuinely loved by another, so to sum it up, I’m fucked. Well not literally but that should go without saying. It’s been so long that I now get the signs & symptoms of a bladder infection simply by using Super Absorbency Tampons as opposed to the Regular size. Lets just be honest here, I’m pretty sure I buy the supers just because they’re the biggest in the Tampon family anyway. There is a slight possibility I’m going to regret that last bit of information I just shared with you but it’s too late now. I’m too lazy to hit the backspace that many times. (I was going to post a pic of a super size but opted not to.
Bedtime now. Oh I so look forward to having the usual calm and peaceful 3 hour sleep I’m so accustomed to. Sweet dreams oh vast and spacious WWW universe, till tomorrow.
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In my search for a cool photos of Truffles I came across many pictures, some of the fungus version and some of the chocolate version. So now I understand why high quality chocolate that’s rolled into little balls and dusted with cocoa is called Truffles. They look pretty similar huh!
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